1988 Chris Butler
Registered with the Writer’s Guild of America, East, Inc.
J-DAY
A beautiful Chinese landscape. Spare Oriental music. A guide is showing a group of tourists a factory farm. Proudly, he explains that the rows of perfectly manicured trees and the spotless processing machinery are his country’s finest example of progressive management. Suddenly, with a deflating-wheezy-whine…and a sad plop, something round and white falls from a tree. Then more fall…bumping into other ones on the way down, setting off a chain reaction. Disaster. The Great Ping Pong Ball Blight has struck!
In Beijing, the failure of this key agricultural program is the last straw. “We’ve had it with your modern ways,” screams JENG-AH-LING, the Vice Premier and young leader of the Jo-Ki opposition, to his father, Premier DENG-AH-LING, at a meeting of the Politburo. “There’s even a million yuan allocation for a research team to develop what? Electric chop sticks! This drive to update our society is completely in the wrong direction. The ancient soldier/sage Jo-Ki taught the attitude of the anti-technological warrior. We advocate his simple, healthy, pre- industrial peasant lifestyle. We demand the Chairmanship!” Reluctantly, the Old Guard gives in and the father and son trade places.
Against this background of events, the Hong Kong International Trade Fair opens. Deng has sensed coming troubles, so he has sent his daughter SHING-A-LING–the Minister of Trade and Technology–out of the country. She is also chaperoning the Chinese Olympic Ping Pong team which is desperately seeking a new source of ping pong balls, keeping in mind Lenin’s dictum that the capitalists will sell them the tools of their own defeat. Shing-ah-ling meets JIM REAXON, a wealthy sports equipment tycoon, health nut and son of the American President. They square off for an impromtu ‘kitchen debate’. Although aware of the crisis at home, she sticks to her father’s party line. “My country is forging ahead in manufacturing and industry,” she says. Jim, in ‘go- for-it’ self-help/post-industrial rhetoric, argues that “the strength of my country is the strength of our people’s bodies and minds”. Jim is ‘American Wry Casual’–a likeable mix of New Age huckster and true- believer with a dose of jive humor tossed in. He’s there because he’s converted his entire business exclusively to ping pong ball production– “think of it…one billion Chinese…what a market!” Risking all on this venture, he needs this sale badly. The Chinese are equally as eager–their ping pong team has been forced to practice by pantomiming to a hi-fi test record and the ‘04 Olympics are only three weeks away.
From behind a copy of the National Tribune, a Murdoch-y rag that everyone seems to read (headlines: “Talks Balk, Prez Walks” and “Axe Wielding Nun Cuts Priest’s Sermon Short”), emerges the President. He’s at the Fair, too, returning from yet another unsuccessful arms reduction conference in Moscow. “It’s gonna take a miracle to get rid of all this damned hardware,” he grumbles. This crusty, clever politician thinks little of his son’s enterprises and enjoys needling and frustrating Jim whenever he can–“You made millions from telling people they can improve themselves. I make them feel good about how they are now and they elect me President. All you’ll ever be is rich!”
During a staff meeting at the Hong Kong Hilton, the President learns that ping pong balls are on the list of forbidden exports. The National Science Advisor, a 14-year old computer whiz-kid, demonstrates the junior high science project fact that ping pong balls can be ground up by terrorists and made into bombs…so the deal is off. Enraged, the Chinese Government’s reaction is swift…and startling. The borders are sealed and communications cut off. Inside, the new leaders call for the dreaded “SHIN-JO-MY”, the purest Zen weapon. The Military Machine is dismantled, the Army is sent home and the generals are fired. This ultimate Doomsday device makes their form of warfare obsolete: all those one billion Chinese have to do is jump up and down at the same time to cause earthquakes, tidal waves…and total world destruction.
Although not yet publically announced, Shing-ah-ling knows when J-
Day will happen–her vain brother will pick Jo-Ki’s birthday because it
is also his own. But that’s three months away…right now she has more
immediate problems.
This crisis has put her in political hot water. Since she was aligned
with the Old Guard, she is declared persona non grata and, since her
Embassy has been recalled and shut down, she and the team are stranded.
And Jim, of course, is financially ruined…so both of them are out of
their respective jobs. They spot each other at the airport, where China
Airways refuses to honor Shing-ah-ling’s tickets. “Bumped from the
people’s express?” Jim teases. He then offers to fly them to the
Olympics in his private plane. They accept, having no other means of
transportation.
On board, the team becomes very rowdy and has a great time. But the prospect of a humiliating defeat due to their lack of practice is unbearable. They refuse to go to the Olympics and threaten to hijack the plane. Shing-ah-ling is caught in the middle. She and Jim ‘meet’ over these negotiations–we have a hint that there is an attraction between them. In the midst of all this, the plane malfunctions and they ditch on an uninhabited island used as a US Army supply dump. Instead of being barren, the island is idyllic and they have everything they need. All are tempted to stay, since each has nothing but trouble awaiting them. They could radio for a rescue at any time but even the dutiful Shing-ah-ling says to wait to make the call. The island reminds her of where she grew up–a tiny village in Bukin Province…a place of peace and happiness. Now, burdened by the knowledge of what’s coming, she says they should enjoy themselves a little. They do for a while, but soon she feels she’s letting her father and her country down…maybe there’s someway she can help. Jim feels pulled by his responsibilities, too, and they become closer because of this. Though still loyal to her country, she hints to him of an impending world crisis, revealing only the month so he can take steps to survive it.
The ping pong team, however, wants to stay on the island, so Jim cooks up a scam: when they finally send an SOS, the rescue plane is greeted by spear-wielding wild natives in grass skirts (the team in disguise), and Shing-ah-ling and Jim posing as anthropologists studying this fierce tribe. The Army pilot ‘heroically’ saves them. When Jim asks him about news from the outside world, he’s shocked when the pilot shows him a Tribune announcing the Chinese “J-Day” threat, but not the exact date. Shing-ah-ling’s hints now make sense.
On the trip home, Jim’s and Shing-ah-ling’s differences begin to surface again. The final break comes at Jim’s house in New York City where his Chinese houseboy is seen wearing 30 lb. weights on his feet…a requirement ordered by the President as an anti- collaboration/anti Fifth Column measure. Shing-ah-ling storms out saying she would rather try to find some relatives in Chinatown than stay with him. The President calls and wants Jim to come to the UN at once– “You’ll find out why,” he says. He’s got something up his sleeve. Jim is already missing Shing-ah-ling and on the way out the door, tells his houseboy to find her, even if he has to call every Ling in the phone book…all 15 pages of them…or knock on every door in Chinatown.
At the UN, all is in chaos. The Chinese delegate struggles to pronounce “ping pong ball blight”. The Swedish delegate remains neutral, saying “I don’t know, what do you think?” An intelligence film screening confirms the total dismantling of the Chinese military, and also includes clips showing school children practice-jumping off their desks, people outside the Forbidden Palace doing Tai Chi movements that end in a unison hop, and people running the Great Wall 1000km Marathon. During the film, the Swiss delegate’s digital watch keeps emitting electronic cuckoos, disrupting the proceedings. The Russians are strangely silent.
The Science Advisor has suggested a counter-jump–the two jumps cancelling each other–and the President orders Jim to take charge of all jump defence programs. Much to his father’s glee, Jim must now undo all that he’s worked for and reverse what he’s advocated, . He must now see to it that people become fat, that they don’t exercise, that they think as a mass culture rather than ‘independent creators of their own destinies’, etc.
The President also orders a plan to destabilize the rigidly
structured Chinese by bombing them with junk culture diversions–
walkmans, soap operas broadcast out of sequence, etc…all those
individualized, distracting things that would break down a mass-thinking
society and thus, an organized jump. Through Trib headlines and news
reports we see the US economy gearing up to produce all this stuff, then
all kinds of goodies raining down from the Chinese skies.
Quickly, the effect is a higher standard of living for the Chinese and
a booming US economy. This jump threat is turning into a good thing!
After watching some of these news reports, the President slips away to a
secret office and calls ex-Premier Deng on the hot-line: “It’s working,
but we need more TVs,” Deng says, “there are still too many folks out on
the streets. I’ve got my son’s party squabling among themselves trying
to figure out which one of our three hundred ancient calendar systems
gives Jo-Ki’s true birthday. I’ve also arranged for my son’s birth
records to disappear. If we can stall this another month, our people
will be totally disorganized. Oh, and what about that 30 year old Jack
Daniels for me…any chance?” “No sweat,” the President responds, “and
the wife thanks you for the silk robes. Keep in touch!” So the date
stays unknown…when is J-Day???
And still no word from Shing-ah-ling. Jim is thinking of her as he goes on his morning run, while we get a glimpse of his handy work: troops of Boy Scouts organizing Jump Ins; Trib headlines for weight gain contests; fashion ads with ‘Queen size” models and food, food, food! As Jim runs through Central Park, a black van pulls up behind him and scoops him up. He has been kidnapped by the Russians. ALEXI VITUPERITOV, head of the Soviet spy network, assumes that as Chief of Operations, Jim must surely know when J-Day is…and the Russians want to make sure they’ll survive it. They are also jealous of the booming US economy because all they can produce in quantity is vodka, which the Chinese can’t stand. The Russians figure they’ll hold Jim long enough to either wreck the US anti-jump effort or until he tells them when J- Day is, whichever comes first. But Jim sees an opportunity. He says he knows only the month but, if they could find Shing-ah-ling… Quickly they do. “We ran an irresistible personal ad in the Tribune for someone who speaks Bukinese,” Alexi says, “it’s a very rare dialect.”
The Russians hold Jim and Shing-ah-ling in a downtown Manhattan office building. They decide that the best way to free themselves is to somehow get the exact date of J-Day to the outside world. The window is open in their cell–“What are you going to do? Jump from the 17th floor?”, Alexi asks. “This is too easy,” Jim says. They simply write the date on a piece of paper and toss it out the window…only to have it joined by millions of other bits of paper…because outside is a ticker tape parade for Jim’s father, the President. He is reaping the political rewards of good economic times. That one piece of paper does land on his lap, but he is too busy looking up and waving…it blows away unnoticed. To a reporter, the President keeps the game going by declaring that the US would use nuclear weapons if the Chinese dare to jump.
The Russians decide tighter security is necessary. Shing-ah-ling and Jim are put on an airplane high above the US. It’s a combination spy plane and emergency command post that never lands…the equivalent of the SAC Doomsday 747 that would be used by our armed forces in the event of nuclear war. When the pilot goes to take a leak (after setting the plane on auto-pilot), Shing-ah-ling and Jim lock him in thejohn, and easily break into the cockpit. The radio is electronically locked, but since this is a communications plane, it is equipped with skywriting gear. The alphabet, however, is Cyryllic! They try various combinations of letters, but the people on the ground merely scratch their heads at the sight of these odd letters in the sky.
Finally, the Russians try locking them in their high security compound on Long Island. Shing-ah-ling sees various trial versions of the same Trib headline scattered about and puts two and two together: all those sensationalistic headlines are the way the Russians contact their spies in the field, and so a direct link to the Trib’s composing computer must be somewhere on the grounds. They find it–“just follow the little red wire?”–and type out the J-Day date. The edition hits the news stands, and they feel they’ve done a courageous and noble thing. Thousands of lives will now be saved! And since the secret is now out, here is no longer any reason to hold them, so the Russians grudgingly let them go free.
While J-Day was unknown, everyone was making out. As the President mused, “People spend most of their lives preparing for a boom that never comes anyway. They’re used to it and they’re good at it.” Now that the secret is out, however, Deng’s stalling tactics are useless. The new leaders are forced to save face and go through with it. At the White House, the President waits with his finger on the button, fully knowing that the Russians, too, will fire their weapons…and not only at the Chinese. The jump comes…it is tremendous…and then the counter-jump. But when the President pushes the button to launch our missiles…nothing happens. Panicky reports come in over a squawk box from Western and Soviet military installations around the globe…nothing’s working! As the Science Advisor explains, the jumps must have only partially cancelled each other. The remaining frequencies were those special to the military, and the combined jumps must have acted like a super-version of the Electro-Magnetic Pulse effect. “Every military computer chip and guidance system in the world got fried instantly. We’re all disarmed now.”
With a “Have A Nice Day” Trib headline in the background, Shing-ah- ling and Jim go back to the island as real anthropologists this time, since now there actually is a new emerging culture to study–‘boomless living’. In China, the people like the new toys they’ve acquired and don’t want to hear about sinple peasant living, so the Old Guard is returned to power. Deng decides a little ‘work therapy’ is what Jeng needs, so he assigns him to a hard labor detail…on the ping pong ball plantation. All the world leaders meet at a Summit and realize that they can’t afford to replace all that weaponry. Peace is finally and permanently here. “Damn kids,” the President says, looking into the blank faces at the table. “Now what do we do? Gentlemen, there’s got to be a buck in this somewhere!”